When Politeness Overrides Intuition
Specifically— How, way back when, Marriage become the Goal. My First Marriage.
There's a story little girls grow up inside of — a story of marriage, success, and what it means to be chosen.
No one ever sits down and says it outright, but the message is everywhere.
The story ends when the girl is chosen.
Disney movies, sitcoms, and romantic comedies from my generation, well I am sure many generations, follow the same arc: struggle, longing, confusion —and then marriage, framed as success and emotional security. The conclusion or.. reward, if you will.
Ex; Bridgerton—one of my favorites by the way, seems to move onto the next sister/brother once the season ends with a marriage. The whole show seems to end in marriage as the conclusion— wipe hands— move on—next! Sure there is some small marital drama sprinkled in but it's not the main focus.
Anyway—Somewhere along the way in the show and IRL, marriage stops being a life choice and starts being the point. (except for Elouise! Stand strong girl!)
...I don't think I got married the first time because it felt right. I know I'm not alone here because I have watched it happen time and time again.
I got married because it felt correct.
By a certain age and/or after a certain number of years together,the question changes from Do you want this?— to Why wouldn't you?
The time invested becomes pressure. Staying becomes evidence of commitment and leaving starts to feel irresponsible, dramatic, or ungrateful.
Politeness enters quietly.
Politeness looks like this:
Not wanting to disappoint. Not wanting to seem difficult. Not wanting to start over. Not wanting to explain yourself.
It teaches us to smooth over discomfort instead of investigate it. At the time I didn't feel unsafe. I did, however, feel small but I couldn't grasp what that was at the time but the distinction matters.
When we talk about intuition, well, other than the people who react when they hear that word and think woo woo, we often imagine it as loud or dramatic—a clear warning, a gut punch, or a flashing red sign. But intuition and self-trust rarely show up like that for women.
Often intuition is even quieter than conditioning.
It can show up as tension or unease. As the sense that something doesn't quite fit, even if nothing is technically wrong. It's deep and subtle.
Politeness allows us to miss that feeling or signal. We explain it away. We tell ourselves we're overthinking.
The cost of negotiation isn't noticable or immediate.
It's(not to overuse the word but-)subtle.
You overlook your own needs. You confuse endurance with love.You learn to tolerate instead of respond. You become good at shrinking. Good at staying.
I don't regret my experiences. It's not about that. It's not about blaming the past. Oh hell no. I've learned and grown so much from it.
It's about recognition. Let me tell you I am only now beginning to fully recognize it.
The younger version of me was a little(alot) naive. But not weak. She was obedient to a narrative that rewarded politeness and punished instinct. Politeness, in fact, isn't neutral. It can have a cost.
If any part of this feels familiar. Like you can relate on even some level—especially around marriage, relationships(even friendships), or you feel you may be ignoring your intuition—you are NOT broken.
We were all trained this way. And noticing that—even years later—is not failure.
It's the beginning of listening again.
One of my new favorite books- Theo of Golden By-Allen Levi- https://a.co/d/0d0syBwj
Might I suggest the audiobook? It was better than amazing!
If you'd like to listen to me babble about this blog in audio or video form-
