The calm that comes after the knowing..

(and the knowing that has always been there to be noticed)

It happened one morning. I noticed it when nothing was wrong. Everthing felt "in it's place." It came as stillness. I felt the warm ground (or patio in my case) beneath my bare feet. It was sometime at the end of last summer—close to September—I believe. I noticed that I rehearsed conversations for future a lot less than I had before. I was waiting less for agreement from others. I mean, I still do this but only with close friends.I noticed myself slowly realizing I didn't need to explain myself as much— or even at all in some cases. I could say "No." as a full sentence. I could simply just walk away, in other cases. This came with relief.

I find myself going out to this space...my patio..very often. Standing in the morning sun.Noticing clarity. Grasping it so I hang onto it for the rest of the day. The rest of the stuff I try not to hang on to. Without reading too much into it, I will re-connect with it often.

It's the breathing first. A few deep breaths , first thing. The the listening. The noticing that I can be still and aware of the motion around me. I'm the observer.

At first, I noticed the silence around me. The silence of all the human commotion. I felt so far away from motion but as I listened deeper, farther, I could hear so much, yet I could still feel the silence.

Maybe this absence of noise was the absence of my noise. My thoughts, my rehearsed conversations. The absence of the looping thoughts, dwelling, checking my tone, or scanning for reactions. Just birds singing. Lots of them. Lots of different birds. An awe-inducing amount.

There was also the hums and bumping of trucks and the quiet woosh of cars here and there in the far distance. This was grounding. It showed up as less, not more.It's smooth and subtle.

Out here (on my patio) I allowed things to bubble up. I didn't judge them but sometimes, if the though was sticky, I would write it down. I woul write how it made me feel and eventually let it all go. I would then notice the feeling after the "let go".

Out here I didn't...and still don't, need validation. I don't need anyone to understand. The knowing of this brought feelings and stayed after the emotions passed.

The ability to stand it this...in my power, gives me even more inner strength. I know I am this person. I can tap into this inner strength whenever I have any doubts. I know myself. My inner self. She is grateful and un-bothered. She is full of love...and curiosity!

Anyway, Nothing in this moment, on the patio, needed to be resolved for me to feel settled. I react less because I can pause first. I have slower, more quiet, and more selective reactions to life and my surroundings. When I do this, it feels right and like me. It feels better.

If things feel quieter lately, it doesn't mean you've lost your edge.

It might mean you've found your footing.

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